By Auli Ofstad 
Introduction
When my parents announced their divorce during my late teens, the news wasn’t entirely shocking. Their relationship had always seemed devoid of affection. After separating, my dad quickly moved on, while my mom took about a year before she began dating again. Both had vowed never to marry again.
Fast forward six years, and my mom got remarried in 2023, with my dad recently proposing to his girlfriend. Although I wish them happiness, accepting this new reality feels like the definitive end of our family unit. As an adult child of divorce, I struggle with identities that make my feelings seem less valid.
The Impact of Divorce on Adult Children
Contrary to popular belief, divorce can be just as distressing for adult children as it is for minors. Carol Hughes, PhD, LMFT, highlights the misconception that adults are unaffected by their parents’ separation. Society’s focus has largely been on the impact on minor children, leaving adult children in the shadows, even as “gray divorce” rates rise. In fact, Divorces among those aged 50 and older surged from 8.7% in 1990 to 36% by 2019.
These “gray divorces” have become more frequent due to longer lifespans and evolving attitudes toward marriage. Many prioritize personal happiness over traditional commitments. Parents might endure a marriage for their children’s sake but seek a new beginning once they leave home. For adult children, this can be a challenging adjustment, as it marks the end of the family structure they’ve always known.
Navigating New Family Dynamics
As adult children, we may feel pressured to support our parents emotionally and financially during their divorce. Elizabeth Thayer, PhD, notes the added burden of managing family dynamics while maintaining personal responsibilities. This emotional labor is compounded by societal tendencies to overlook adult children’s needs.
Experts advise acknowledging the range of emotions, from guilt to anger, that arise during a parental divorce. Unlike younger children who might act out, adult children can articulate their feelings, though they still face significant emotional challenges.
Adult children often struggle with the idea of “nevers”-never seeing their parents together or enjoying a “normal” family event again. This sense of loss is heightened by years of familial expectations and dreams. Despite these challenges, both minor and adult children experience a destabilizing loss of their “home base.”
Effects on Mental Health and Relationships
While adult children may not experience the same mental health issues as minors, anxiety and depression are common. Brittany Freeze, PhD, points out that the burden of parental expectations can affect adult children’s mental health and views on relationships. The dissolution of a long-term marriage can shake their belief in lasting relationships.
Though some adult children are already married when their parents divorce, those who aren’t may face relationship challenges. They might have a higher likelihood of divorce themselves, having lacked examples of healthy conflict resolution.
Strategies for Coping
Therapy or support groups can be invaluable for those struggling with the impact of a parental divorce. These resources provide validation and help develop skills to manage emotions and communicate effectively with parents. It’s crucial to set boundaries regarding what information you’re comfortable discussing.
For instance, adult children might experience “role reversal,” where parents lean on them for support. It’s important to balance the need for information with the desire to maintain a parent-child relationship. Discussing boundaries with parents can prevent this dynamic from straining family ties.
Managing New Relationships and Family Events
The prospect of parents entering new relationships can be uncomfortable. It’s vital to establish boundaries about what you’re ready to hear regarding their dating lives. Deciding when to meet new partners is a personal choice, as is determining your children’s involvement with them.
When it comes to family gatherings, it’s your parents’ responsibility to manage their interactions. Encouraging them to communicate effectively can reduce the stress on you and your siblings to mediate conflicts. If tension seems inevitable, consider discussing your expectations beforehand.
Ultimately, While your parents’ lives may change, your feelings are valid. Their decision to divorce likely stems from a desire for happiness. Seeing them content apart might eventually bring you peace as well.
For further insights on managing emotions and relationships when parents divorce, you can explore resources like this guide on dealing with relational challenges.